so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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