Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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