I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
