Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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