There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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