I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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