Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
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