im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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