stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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