i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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