I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
