Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
