dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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