if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize