maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
