My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
