You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
