I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
