i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
