i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
