Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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