The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize