its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
