I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
