went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
this just has baby written all over it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
