i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
