you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
