I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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