I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
