We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
