Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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