Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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