I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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