Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
