i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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