he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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