Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
