I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
