I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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