I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
