I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
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The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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