i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
