ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
