we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
