i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
