textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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