Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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