In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
