im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize