Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
