I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
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I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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