She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
