I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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