Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
