You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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