I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
