He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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