You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
