if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
