The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
