I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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