Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
