Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
