I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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