my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
