There was a lot of him and a little penis
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
