can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
