Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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