I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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